Sunday, January 12, 2014

Ways to Make You Hate Yourself As A Writer

Well hi there!
There are a lot of how-to blog posts floating around, and I figured that it was high time that I wrote one. What on Earth could I possibly be qualified to tell you how to do?
Hate yourself as a writer or an author!

*waves pom poms*

Let's get to it, then!

1. Always try to match the writing pace of other authors- even if they are full time writers and you only can squeeze in words an hour a day if you're lucky. OF COURSE you should be writing the same number of words a day as they are! Heck, you should probably be writing more words than they are, because you are a WRITING MACHINE.

2. Compare your writing to people who've been writing a lot longer than you have! Because obviously your writing should be on par with people who've been writing for decades! It's NOT? Hate yourself, and ask yourself why you think you can actually be a writer in the first place. Joke's on you, Faker McFaker Pants!

3. Know that everybody else's situation is exactly like yours. Everybody has the same life that you do, right? Obviously they do. I mean, everyone's the same, aren't they? So comparing your life to the life of another writer is totally just looking in the mirror. Do it, then. All the time.

4. (Or maybe 3.1) Expect everybody's life to be exactly the way they portray it on social media. Because everyone knows the internet never lies, and is totally not a way to only show certain parts of yourself. It's the internet, for God's sake. Nothing bad or remotely untrue ever happens there. And people never ever use it as a giant ego-inflating machine.

5. Check other author's rankings on all of their books. Their books have been published longer than yours? This isn't there first or second book? The genre they write is different than the genre you write? They're not publishing the same way you are? PFFT! No worries! You should definitely just spend hours looking at their numbers and then at yours and then bemoan your lame numbers/amount of reviews/positive things being said. Because if you haven't hit that list and had that person tell you how much they liked your book and etc etc etc, you are obviously a failure and should just quit right now.

6. Never ask anyone for help. You can do everything by yourself, and never need any help or moral support. That's for wimps. And then make sure to cry when you feel alone and unloved.

7. The fact that you're doing this all because you love it? Ha. You can totally just forget about all of that, because all these other things like numbers and recognition are so much more important to you now! Forgetting you write because you love it is the fastest way to hate yourself.

So there are my seven easy ways to hate yourself as a writer or author! I hope they're all useful to you. If I forgot a quick and easy way to hate yourself as a writer or author, please feel free to share it in the comments below.
If you have friends who are having trouble hating themselves too, feel free to send this link to them so they can speed up the process.

Hope y'all are having a wonderful Monday!